Wait’ll they get a load of me. – Batman (1989)

Say ‘hello’ to my little friend. – Scarface (1983)

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. – Princess Bride (1987)

He slimed me. – Ghostbusters (1984)

Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who smells of strawberries. – Toy Story 3 (2010)

I drink your milkshake, I drink it up. – There will be Blood (2007)

At my signal, unleash hell. – Gladiator (2000)

When you have to shoot, shoot. Don’t talk. – The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)

You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought. – Star Wars (1977)

Sex in cinema is nothing new.  Hell, sex AS cinema is nothing new, either.  Everything from innocent flirting to romance to straight up baby-making are present in classic movies just as they are today.  Yet for as much shit as we give Hollywood for collectively recycling ideas (yes, yes I know the Avatar story is not “original” …please, for the love of Christ, will all pontificating douche-sacks out there stop bringing it up), the themes of sex are used more often than any other.  Funny how that particular complaint never seems to get voiced.

Now I’m not going to stand on a soapbox and profess that this should change in any way.  I like Cinemax After Dark as much as the next guy (or girl).  What I will say, however, is that originality in this phase of movie-making needs to improve just as it does in any other.  Some scenes have received iconic status for their sheer romance (kiss at the end of Princess Bride) or unique circumstances (Charlton Heston and Deborah Kerr rolling in the From Here to Eternity surf).  Most others, however, are the cinematic equivalent of a Go Daddy commercial.  All it seems to take these days is a kiss here, boob there, few more minutes of poorly choreographed grab-ass, and a song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  Where’s the creativity?

With that in mind, I have decided to honor those scenes in recent movie history that have bucked this cookie-cutter trend.  Whether for their sheer idiocy, their unique perspective, or their almost disturbing realism, these scenes have stuck out.

10. Naked Gun (1988)

Perhaps I’m jaded, but the smorgasbord of romantic comedies over the years has turned the timeless art of seduction into a live-action episode of Scooby Doo.  Same build up, same plot, same ending.  Just once I would have liked the gang to pull the ghoul mask off the nefarious criminal at the end only to find a complete stranger.  Can’t you just see Shaggy turning to Velma and saying, “Who the fuck is this guy?”

In the 1980s, movie seduction was just as formulaic.  The girl wears the guy’s oversized button-up shirt at some point, cooks him dinner (that he may or may not pretend to like with a comedic yet pained expression), and tosses out a few lines of cheesy dialogue.

Well, the Naked Gun takes a swipe at all of them.

Now, to be honest, these are all good reasons for inclusion on this list.  In the interest of full disclosure, however, the full body condom is the headline.  Anyone who has seen the movie remembers this part.  And I can’t be the only one who has wondered (more than once) what that would be like.

9.  Rules of Attraction (2002)

Few people can illustrate upscale east coast depravity quite the way Bret Easton Ellis can.  His book follows the exploits of prep school spawn being left to their own devices once at college.  Upon reading it I remember two things: (1) it would be a bitch to adapt into a movie and (2) thank goodness my mother hadn’t read this before I left for college, she would have had a conniption.  (Conniption, by the way, was a hodge-podge word I thought my mother had made up until I got to said college and found out she hadn’t.)

Surprisingly, Roger Avary takes an un-adaptable book to the screen quite competently and, in this particular scene, brilliantly.  During a university visit, two uppity lush mothers (including Faye Dunaway) sit at the hotel bar talking about absent-minded nothingness while their gay sons pump each other a few stories above their heads.  What makes this so memorable is that the “sex scene” is simply the two men jumping up and down on the bed in their underwear serenading the camera to George Michael.  It’s the tune and the context that confirms the sex, but it’s the unique take on the coitus that puts it on this list.

8. Fast Times at Ridgmont High (1982)

Just FYI, Phoebe Cates’ topless turn is not the scene I’m referencing here.  While that scene is iconic and memorable enough to be the wallpaper on my desktop, it does not stand alone in a movie awash with numerous other young person sexual situations.  From Stacy’s awkward virginity-busting tryst with the older Ron Johnson in a ballpark dugout to Mike Damone’s minute man tick in the pool changing room, Fast Times stacks realistic after realistic high school sexual situation on top of another.  And it’s the latter that makes this list, not just for the moment (literally) itself but also for the lead in and follow up.

Mike goes over to Stacy’s knowing full well that his buddy, Rat, likes her.  Through the entire afternoon courtship between the two, the trepidation is written all over his face.  He knows he’s doing something wrong.  Like most high school kids, however, he’s powerless to stop himself.

Once in the dressing room, Mike experiences men’s worst fear (impotence notwithstanding…because I’m not even sure that exists in high school).  He pops off in seconds, embarrassing both of them.  She even proves as much when she lies to her friend Linda a few scenes later about how long he lasts.  What makes this scene so memorable isn’t the premature ejaculation itself, that’s been done in spades.  No, this scene is made in the moments immediately after the sex, when the viewer is left wondering who to feel most sorry for: Damone or Stacy.  That’s a rather unique trick for the filmmakers to pull off and, therefore, warrants inclusion in the sex scene pantheon.

7. Private Benjamin (1982)

From men’s worst fear to perhaps women’s, we have what happens to newlywed Judy Benjamin.   Her freshly minted husband, Yale, has a heart attack during sex and dies on their wedding night.  To the viewer, the sex itself is pedestrian at best and nothing to write home about—there are no trapezes or contorting bedroom gymnastics to grab our memory handles—but at the man’s wake the audience is humorously (and painfully) reminded that sometimes the perfect answer to a question is the God’s honest truth.

Mrs. Goodman: Please dear, I need to know.  What were his last words?

Judy Benjamin: I’m coming.

6. American Pie (1999)

The whole premise of the movie is to get laid.  Hardly a revolutionary idea, especially with regards to young men in their formative years, but the movie does a decent job of showing that this quest does, in fact, involve women as well.  Too often in cinematic portraits of teenage hounding, the female perspective gets lost.  That’s not to say that America Pie provides the seminal depiction of this (far from it, in fact).  But it does just enough to make the male viewing population think outside of themselves for a moment—which is an achievement in and of itself.  And, when it comes to the actual act of sex, the movie really illustrates that no matter how you think it’s going to go, the first time just doesn’t.  All four characters have very different sexual experiences the night of the graduation party, none more memorable and entertaining than Jim and the band geek, Michelle.  This is how most of us wish our first times had gone—in hurricane fashion.  Shit breaks, profanity flies, and the other person takes charge.

5. Anchorman (2004)

Nothing like a little sexual tension in the workplace, eh?  Ron Burgundy is one sexy hunk of man, no one is going to deny that, and men have been fantasizing about Applegate since way back when she was a bottle blonde Bundy.  Mix the two together and you have one explosive rendezvous.

Much like Rules of Attraction, the Pleasuretown scene in this movie stands out because it doesn’t actually involve any visually depicted sex.  The genius lies in that, even without this, it isn’t any mystery to the viewer what exactly is going on.  And, honestly, it has animated unicorns.  How do you top that?

4. Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)

Few thespians have mastered the art of the awkward situation quite the way Hugh Grant has.  In one of his maiden voyages into this, Charles (Grant) finds himself unwittingly trapped in a sink cupboard at the second wedding while the newly coined bride and groom (Lydia and Bernard) go at it like a couple of teenagers on prom night.

This scene is amazing for a multitude of reasons.  The first, of course, is the priceless expression of panic on his face.   The second, and more earnest reason, is that Charles doesn’t want to interrupt them.  In a practical world it makes sense to do so at the outset, but once he’s through the looking glass it becomes borderline creepy to announce his presence…which he ultimately does (to even his own dismay).  What makes this scene stand out more than anything, however, is what my brother so succinctly summed up, “Man, I hope so much that everyone is fucking that hard on their wedding night.”  Amen to that.

3. Blaze (1989)

I realize that a lot of people probably either haven’t seen Blaze or don’t really recall the late 1980s tale of a southern governor and a stripper.  Paul Newman and Lolita Davidovich do a masterful job but it’s probably better than I don’t comment on the overall quality of the film.

The sex scene between the two is a lesson in what sex should really be all about.  That being: FUN.   Knocking boots with actual boots on, the climbing-up-the-sheets, unabashed lunacy is how we all should be getting down.  More than anything, it shows just how right the two characters are for each other.  Far too often “love” or a “connection” is illustrated in film by eye contact, slow pumping, and even slower music.  Not this time.  And, for that, it stands out.

2. Biloxi Blues (1988)

The collective audience is already a movie and a half into Eugene Morris Jerome’s life before he finally wanders into Rowena’s whorehouse in Biloxi, Mississippi.  Through that first narrative and half way into the second, we know two things about him:  (1) he wants to be a writer and (2) he sure as shit needs to get laid.

That opportunity comes shortly into his stint with the United States Army when Jerome and a few others in his company set off to find this majestic lair.  And everything is flawless from the moment we see the Peachtree Street sign.  The jalopy apartment “…looks like a place where they sell used radio parts” as other servicemen exit when Jerome and his friends approach.

Once in the waiting room, he is so unbelievably nervous that the audience is immediately hooked.  I mean seriously, who cannot relate to that?  What’s more, if he goes through with it (or, worse, doesn’t) he is putting himself in a position to be heavily judged by his peers.

When his turn comes and he finds himself face-to-face with the proprietor, Rowena, he weaves a complex tapestry of bullshit with the sole intention of coming across more experienced than he is.  What’s clear to us is that she sees right through it; yet she approaches his dishonesty with an understated tenderness designed to protect his ego and bolster his courage.  She humors him, compliments him, and even praises him upon completion.  We should all be so lucky to lose our virginities to the Rowenas of the world.  Provided Wykowski doesn’t get there first.

1. Pleasantville (1998)

Pleasantville is a vastly underrated movie as a whole.  On the most basic level, it illustrates that things on the inside aren’t as wonderful as they may seem on the outside (albeit in a much more lighthearted way than American Beauty would do a year later).  It also proves that we are all capable of change in ways that are the best possible for us on a personal level.

This is particularly evident with Betty Parker, the matriarch.  After years of being the dutiful wife, a woman born into a mundane life where her wants, desires, and needs are pushed into the background, she takes matters into her own hands.  Literally.  This scene takes self-love to new heights.  Not only does the uncharacteristic act spark a change inside a woman that desperately wants it, but it also provides crystal clear symbolism of the overall point by setting a tree ablaze in the Parker’s front yard.

Honorable mention (television category):

Entourage (Season 4, 2007) – The Day Fuckers

This makes the list because, until I saw this episode, I had no idea what the hell a furry was.  Also, and this can’t be understated, watching Drama cornhole a chick dressed like a university mascot is about as memorable as a scene gets.

Comics seem stuck in a mire.

I’ve mentioned before the problem with the cycle of supply and demand – that comics play the same beats because that is what sells, but it is what sells because it is what is offered at most stores – and think that comics will continue to spiral down until this changes.

Firstly, and I want to make this clear, I do not think the blame rests on any one group here.

Stores are business and need to be run as such. They will order books that sell, and get better deals on well known publisher’s titles. Better deals, better return. Well known books sell better. No brainer. Space is limited in most stores, and the rotation of stock is such that most people do not want to be left holding too much of one thing. Supply and demand. Scarcity drives up prices.

Publishers have to create what sells. For the most part, that is well known properties. However, the bigger publishers have an unfair advantage in that they get preferential treatment in the distribution model, often have the backing of a bigger creative force, command free advertising in the form of press releases to internet and other news outlets, and have a 50-80+ year brand recognition on their sides.

What sells is events. What will they produce then? In a shrinking market (a target audience with no back door, no new “clients”) it is best to not try anything too risky. Even the big apparent risks are little more than distractions, gimmicks under different names, which ultimately lead into the status quo.

Nothing will ever be the same. Ever.

The reader demands a certain type of book. They have flocked to see the big-budget, multi-character, moment-minus-character type story telling. It’s mostly about the moments collected in trade-sized story chunks. And they love them. They want violence, questionable morale and ethical stances, the same old stuff, but like a mega-budget movie – comics are not for kids!

Here are the problems though.

Comics should be for everyone. Not aimed at kids, but suitable for everyone, regardless of age, gender, race. Why? Because it just makes good business sense, that’s why. Aim for everyone, get more people. Aim for a select few, you might get some of them.

Also, comics need to stop limiting themselves to the mega-budget movie model. They should be trying to be more than that. Here is a quick-response cultural art form, limited only by imagination and talent, and yet it continues to aim low.

Too many creators are limiting themselves. I understand why. You create a book that gets you noticed by the big boys, maybe they’ll give you a chance. Maybe they will actually pay you to do this, rather than you losing money to put out your book!

Then, maybe, just maybe, you’ll get a little name recognition and people will go back and order your creator owned series – the one that you hoped would make you rich.

Indie and self-creators can be a new hope.

I think that the books being created away from the direct market, away from the confines of the need to pamper to a small audience, and free to actually try new things, could invigorate the comic book medium in a huge way.

Benefiting from the ever-green model, and free to ensure that a book is available always and readily could really help make something happen. It may take time, but I think it is the future.

But everyone has to join in.

Stores have to provide an outlet for these titles.

Creators have to put the effort in to make the books something special.

Readers need to take a chance on something new.

Maybe together there will be a future in this funny book business.

About Jaime Gambell

Born and raised in London, England, I’ve spent the last three years living in Los Angeles, CA. I work mainly as a Production Sound Engineer, on feature films, television and commercials, but my real love is comic books, and comic book writing. I self-published my first series, the gothic horror, Omnitarium, in 2009.

When not working or writing, I try to entertain my son and keep my wife happy.

Check out the trailer to Jaime’s The Hero Code and also be sure to check out his site here.

Genius is an amazing thing, granting those with exceptional ability the power to do things regular people might not even be able to conceive as possible. But the gift of genius too often seems to come paired with struggle, as exceptionally talented people often wrestle with mental illness, social missteps, and conflicts within themselves and their families as they are exploited or pushed to develop their abilities further than they’re comfortable with doing. We’ll explore 10 movies that delve into these struggles and shed light on what it’s like to live as a tortured genius.

1) Good Will Hunting

This endearing movie launched the careers of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, winning the pair an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. Matt Damon, playing the title role, is a young janitor who is a hidden genius in a sea of intellect. While working at MIT, his genius is discovered as he handily, but secretly, solves difficult graduate-level algebraic problems posted on the chalkboard, but is then discovered in the act by a professor. After landing into legal trouble, Hunting is forced to explore his genius, and although he initially preferred to live out his life as a laborer, he was inspired to embrace his ability, while also inspiring the professor and therapist who worked with him. As Hunting struggles with his identity as a genius, he discovers a major fault within himself: he’s just too smart for relationships, overthinking them into oblivion, until the day he comes to terms with his life and past abuses to embrace both himself and the pre-med student who loves him. This story tells a tale of how genius can work against those who have it, and offers a caution against being too smart to live out your own life.

2) A Beautiful Mind

Most people would say that they’d love to be insanely smart, but A Beautiful Mind delivers the frustrating story of a tortured genius. In this biopic about John Nash, viewers see the very real mental health struggles some very gifted people go through. This movie follows Nash’s story as he discovers a very interesting mathematical theorem, and even works for the U.S. Department of Defense to stop a Soviet plot, but suffers as his involvement in the Soviet project makes him become increasingly paranoid and obsessive. It is discovered that although Nash is a genius and capable of working out problems that some can only do with the help of computers, he suffers from schizophrenia and has been hallucinating, creating an imaginary world of friends for years. His mental troubles cause problems in his marriage, but eventually, Nash is able to outsmart and control his hallucinations using his considerable genius, and goes on to win the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics for his work on game theory. A Beautiful Mind shows just how difficult life can be for those who are extremely gifted.

3) The Royal Tenenbaums

Most movies about genius share the struggles and triumphs of a single gifted individual, but this movie goes beyond the singular, exploring what an entire family of eccentric child prodigies might be like. And not just as children, but in their adult lives as their fame and genius have faded after their father leaves the family. The family members, who have been living separate lives, all come together when the parents are challenged with divorce and an imagined terminal illness. What follows is a highly emotional and absurd look into their love affairs and secrets. This movie explores what it’s like to be extremely gifted and talented, only to let it slip away, but does point out how very possible it is to get right back to it with the right motivation and the support of a great family.

4) Finding Forrester

Those who are struck with genius sometimes find themselves afflicted with reclusiveness, too full of a fear of participating in a world that reminds them of past hardships and leaves them open to new ones. But in Finding Forrester, we see the power that mentorship can have on both the mentee and the mentor. A young inner-city student takes Forrester, a reclusive, but talented writer, as his mentor, and together, the two develop. Forrester learns to let go of his reclusive fears, and the young boy develops his incredible talent and determines his future. This movie offers an interesting story of growth and the value of exploring unlikely friendships brought together by mutual talent and the treasures that can grow within them.

5) Dark Matter

In a life dedicated to fulfilling academic dreams, what happens when those dreams are not achieved? Dark Matter shares a disturbing look into a story that’s based on true events, as a Ph.D student’s genius is held back with deadly consequences. The student, Liu Xing is working on a cosmology project with a famous professor, Jacob Reiser, and with his obvious talent, quickly becomes a protege until he creates a theory that conflicts with his Reiser’s model. Xing is dismissed, but continues to work on the theory independently, and ultimately submits a dissertation that is not accepted by Reiser, denying Xing’s chance for a PhD and seemingly dooming him to failure. With his dreams shattered and his genius apparently wasted, Xing falls apart, and in the end, guns down Reiser, along with three other individuals involved in his mistreatment before turning the gun on himself. Dark Matter shows that even the most promising of young geniuses can fall victim to failure, frustration, and an ineffective advisor, resulting in a devastating loss.

6) Rain Man

Rain Man explores the interesting juxtaposition between an autistic savant, Raymond, and his brother Charlie, a selfish yuppie. We see that genius can be hidden, as Charlie initially appears to be the more successful smarter of the two, while Raymond is obviously mentally challenged, but actually quiet gifted with superb recall abilities as well as the ability to calculate complicated math problems in his head. The two come together after their father dies, having never met previously. Charlie struggles to learn that the inheritance he was expecting is actually going to his previously unknown brother Raymond who lives in a mental institution. Through struggles, exploitation and a cross-country road trip, Raymond and Charlie come to understand and love each other, while at the same time revealing Raymond’s incredible gifts. This movie shares a look into how an autistic genius and his own brother can live in two separate worlds, but somehow come together to care about each other.

7) Searching for Bobby Fischer

Genius can be cultivated and nurtured, but at the same time, it is delicate and often resistant to force, especially in a young boy like Josh Waitzkin, who knows who he is and is smart enough to resist those who might want to change him. In Searching for Bobby Fischer, we see as Waitzkin begins to show signs of becoming a chess prodigy, and is then taught how to play “cold-blooded” chess (like chess star Bobby Fischer), which does not work well for him. Instead, Waitzkin seeks out the teachings of a different instructor who shows him to win with good sportsmanship, a way that feels right for him. We learn that he is able to become successful in his pursuit to become a chess prodigy without losing his values and his own identity in the process.

8 ) 21

If you were smart enough to game the system and win the money you need to achieve your dreams, would you go through with it? 21 examines this question and explores how hard it can be to stop while you’re ahead. The movie shares the story of a young MIT student, Ben, who needs $300,000 to finish his schooling and become a doctor, as he is introduced to a secretive club with a solution for his financial problems: highly calculated gambling. Within the club, Ben and his friends learn how to count cards, use codes and signals, and successfully win all of the money Ben needs to achieve his dream of becoming a doctor. But after getting a taste of success, Ben finds it difficult to back out, and he gets caught up in theft and threats. This movie shares a lesson that even geniuses can do incredibly stupid things.

9) Proof

In Proof, we see what gets left behind when a genius dies and the torch of knowledge and talent is passed between generations. Robert, a math professor who struggled with mental illness, has died, and his daughter Catherine works to tie up his loose ends. She is joined by Hal, a former student who is struggling to come up with his own ways to progress his career. The two work and struggle together and against each other in a search for products of Robert’s mathematical genius, as Catherine and those around her begin to worry that she has inherited her father’s mental illness, along with his mathematical genius. Her ability is revealed when Hal discovers a proof that appears to be left behind by Robert, but was actually written by Catherine. This movie explores the struggle that Catherine experiences as she realizes that her groundbreaking work came at a price: neglecting her father’s genius in his later years so that she could build her own.

10) Little Man Tate

Developing exceptional ability is a worthwhile pursuit, but for some, it comes with a high cost: the departure from a normal life. In this movie, we watch as Fred, a child genius who wrote an opera for his mother’s birthday present, is given the opportunity to further grow as a genius with the help of a school that caters to gifted children. But conflict arises as his mother worries that it means he will be taken advantage of and lose the opportunity to live a more conventional life. Learn about the struggle between being socially accepted, and standing out as a child prodigy within Little Man Tate.

Check out more cool blogs and reviews at Online Universities.

This one hurts but I’ve got to do it.

I hate the Walking Dead.

I hate it.  I want to love it.  I want to embrace it.  I want it to bite me with a massive dose of infectious zombie love.

Journeying through an episode of The Walking Dead is akin to wandering through a minefield of spur of the moment plot devices that are more dangerous than the zombies themselves; plot devices that are express-delivered from the writer’s room at the very last moment like the hand of god, lurking at every turn to surprise us, but instead making us wonder how anyone could actually be so stupid in an environment like this and still remain alive.

Instead of praise, all I can seem to muster are apologies for its lack of logic. I catch myself criticizing the show even as I defend it.  “They had to cut the budget.”  “But they have new writers.”  “Well Frank Darabont was shown the door.”  None of these excuses is why the show consistently falters however and in truth after the latest episode “Nebraska” in which (spoiler) a woman manages to drive into the only zombie in the universe and then subsequently flip her car onto the side of the road, I give up apologizing. There’s something much deeper amiss than errant logistics on the production level.

In fact, after a season and a half, if someone were to ask me to describe the show my initial, honest, high-level assessment would be that it is “the misadventures of a band of inept survivors during a zombie apocalypse.”  Sounds like a comedy right?

If only.

After a pilot episode which blew my mind to undead smithereens, the Walking Dead has seemed to settle into a slow festering holding pattern of sweating actors posturing grimly around a hollow façade of impotent dramatic narrative.

Wicked Smart.

In English: after 20-something episodes the Walking dead is just not working for me.  And if you had even the slightest shred of intellectual honesty it shouldn’t be working for you either.

Just putting that out there.

There are a number of varying opinions about the state of the series from folks that, like me, find that it frequently misses the mark.  Complaints range from “it’s too boring” to “it’s not that way in the comic” to “Lori is stupid”, but it is my belief that these problems are not the problem but merely are in fact symptoms of a larger issue.

Why?  Because The Walking Dead does not bore me.  In fact, when it works, I quite enjoy the interactions between the characters as well as the stillness and overbearing quiet which evokes a sense of desolation.

I’ve also not read the comics and don’t play the game of comparisons anyway, so I am never the person that with religious biblical zeal believes off-hand that adaptations of material from one medium to another are automatically inferior and that the new version must adhere to the original “or else”.  A good story is a good story, and some of the greatest interpretations of comic book characters, dynamics, and themes have been born in film, television and cartoons after the fact.

And as far as Lori goes…well you’ve got me there.  So let’s just move on.

Week in and week out, The Walking Dead is a mixed bag of the most amazing thing I have ever seen, combined with a sometimes full tilt waste of that potential which as Jeff Burrus from Television Zombies says, “borders on criminal.”

Where there is the set up for potentially brilliant gut wrenching moments and sheer terror, there are equal amounts of missteps and narrative holding patterns in developing those moments neutering what should be a thrilling whole.  Most of the characterizations, especially from Season 1 are one-dimensional, cliché and rote.  Not only is the “wife-beater”-wearing redneck a racist and a wife beater, but he also gets a little too friendly with his daughter when he drinks.  And as riventing as the final scenes of “Nebraska” were, instead of getting fully realized characters with depth we get treated to two cartoons that telegraphed the scene’s inevitable conclusion from a mile away, peeing in the corner to show us, hands waving in the air, “hey we’re evil!!!”

If you need me, I'll be over there...sweatin'.

“Count your blessings and just be glad it’s on” is often the fanboy refrain.   Because of course the reasoning goes, there are so few quality genre television programs on at the moment that we need to enjoy it while it’s there for us.

The last time I remember that argument being made was in defense of Lost.  It intrigued, it meandered, it thrilled, it imploded.  We put in the time because we realized it could be something so very amazing if it just came together, yet, as it turns out, a show about survivors of an airplane crash in the South Pacific ended with drinking from a gourd of magic immortal water and plugging a pool of light with a rock to prevent a smoke monster from destroying the Earth.  Sounds like a comedy right?

I’m sensing a pattern here.

My favorite feat of self-delusional thinking is also the most evasive I’ve heard and exemplifies the lengths that an individual will go to in order to justify watching a show that they know deep down inside is just not all its cracked up to be.  “It’s the best zombie television show on right now. Period.”

As non-committal a non-endorsement that you can find.

So, if it’s not boring, and it’s not the deviation from the original story, and it’s not the fact that Lori seems to be a feeble-minded twit, then what is it?

The problem with the Walking Dead is that there is a core of inauthenticity with which the writers approach the world and as a result what we are seeing, “boring” plot lines, catastrophic logic fails, and a reliance of deus-ex insert credibility stretching coincidence here are the symptoms.

Given the tone, the mood, the feel, and rules of the world, the writers consistently write against those elements instead of honoring them.  And the result is a zombie that chooses to eat a shoe because it’s expedient for the plot, but not because it makes any sense at all.

Faced with a world of no intelligent threats, the writers are forced to manufacture conflict instead of discovering it organically.  Fine. Every show ever on the planet has done that. However on the Walking Dead, the writers cram their square plot points into the proverbial round hole and do so as if using crib notes for a high school writing class in the process.

This is something that every bad show on the planet has done by the way.

This is a show that portends an experience of riveting thoughtful drama but delivers something that is but a shadow of that.   At first glance it appears to be compelling, but this is only if that glance is for a millisecond, and you turn a denying blind eye to the sheer mess of faulty logic and hasty coincidences that keep piling higher and higher as the series continues.

Large movements of story and major developments of plot often hinge on the flimsiest of premises, and when the dust settles it seems as if the showrunner and writers either don’t understand the world they are writing for, or don’t care.

As I struggled through the first half of the second season it began to be clear to me just what was wrong with their approach. The strength of the series is the same as it is on a show like Battlestar Galactica which it seems to want so very badly to be; a gripping dark drama about survival against all odds.   Although where one is about the last vestiges of humanity clinging to hope while on a journey, the other seems to be the attrition of said hope into a worn nub of nothing.  And there’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself.

Now this is drama.

But it’s not in the theme where there is a fault, it’s in the execution of that theme.

In the first seasons of Battlestar, our characters dealt with the logistics of not only how to survive given the collapse of their society but why they’d even want to continue onward.  While this was occurring they also explored which institutions and traditions they needed to keep or alter, often toeing multiple lines of varying shades of gray with a brand of pragmatism that can only be justified when the alternative is the extinction of your species.

On the Walking Dead however, our characters make a continuous series of ill-advised decisions where, had they not acted in the first place they would most likely never be in any real danger.  In order for the Walking Dead’s story to progress, the characters need to act, but the problem is that the stakes are rarely ever high enough for it to be necessary to go down whatever path they end up taking…unless those characters are idiots. And you the viewer register this as boredom, because it’s just not compelling.

It’s rarely the scene itself that offends so much as it is the lack of forethought put into the set up of the scene.

Seemingly intelligent adults risk a character’s life by lowering him into a well to help remove a zombie from some water. Why? Is this the last well?  Will they die of thirst if the zombie isn’t removed?   Could they be doing something else deemed more important, say searching for a lost little girl?  In this scene the writers chose to include a line of dialogue stating that there are multiple wells, thereby making this particular endeavor not only not necessary but merely a diversion.  In the end, they did it just for kicks. So when things go bad who is to blame?  The characters are.  They are dummies; a post-apocalyptic clown posse.  I don’t find that riveting, I find it insulting.

Shane, who is the only character with a fully functioning common sense gene nearly saves the show, except again, the writers steer him toward acts of inexplicable evil because they seem to only have an elementary understanding of human behavior, and again, need him to be evil.

The bottom line is that the writers have very rarely done their due diligence in making us believe that the stakes are high enough and that most instances of peril are dire or even necessary.  Ironic on a show about a zombie apocalypse, but nevertheless, the dilemmas they face are trivial or sometimes flat out moronic.

Hamstrung by its premise and the world it inhabits, the writers, being more concerned with the plot, think “this needs to happen,” but take very little time or care in working out “why it would happen.”

I imagine it goes a little something like this:

Showrunner:  “We need pregnant Lori to roll her car so we can spend a few episodes of riveting drama while they search for her.”

Writer 1:  “We already did that.”

Showrunner:  “It doesn’t matter.  How do we make this happen?”

Writer 2:  “Well how about we have her inexplicably drive to town to find her husband.  No reason.  She’s just worried even though he just left and she has no reason to think anything is wrong. She also shouldn’t go because she thinks it’s too dangerous for him, so what does she plan to do with no fighting skills or even a gun? But again who cares. Our audience is pretty forgiving. Then when she’s on a straight road with absolutely no curves, a slow walking zombie appears 100 yards away. We’ve got zombies. They like zombies. Let’s give em a zombie.”

Writer 1: “But how would she not see that?”

Writer 2: “She’s reading a map.  Yeah that’s it.  Then she hits the zombie.  Panics.  Then she drives off the side of the road.  And done.”

Showrunner: *slow claps*

Story Editor:   “Amazing.”

Writer 1:  “Didn’t we already do something similar a few episodes before by randomly placing a rattlesnake in the middle of the road to cause Daryl to fall off his horse and into a creek so we could have more zombies?”

Showrunner: “Yeah, what of it?”

Writer 1:  “Then we made a zombie bite his shoe, even though 100% of the times before they’ve always been shown going for human flesh.”

Showrunner:  “Yes.  And your point?”

Writer 1:  “Nevermind.”

And this ain't Shakespeare.

The list of logic fails goes on and on and on.  Suffice it to say that where Battlestar Galactica was clever, poignant, and compelling, Walking Dead is uninspired, lazy, and hackneyed.  Where whole movements of plot hinge on an event, the Walking Dead seems dead set (no pun) against actually giving those moments a real degree of weight from the ground floor up.

And yes. That means even Sophia being in the barn. It doesn’t add up. It never adds up. And even the writers know it doesn’t add up. We were treated to a entire scene of them not explaining how that could happen, but talking around it. No one knows.

The lack of an intelligent threat should force the writers to up their writing game in a genre where conflict is king.  The bar is high and they should be aiming higher. But instead of finding natural occurring dilemmas for the characters, the writers generate limp trivial drama by making the ineptitude of the characters the source of conflict.  Instead of the circumstances being greater than the characters, giving them something to strive for and testing their mettle, the characters’ stupidity creates the conflict.

Fiction needs coincidence but too much coincidence is the death knell of fiction. And unfortunately for the Walking Dead, coincidence is what fuels most of the key moments and turns of the story. Whereas the guiding hand of the one true god was built into the fabric of Battlestar Galactica, on the Walking Dead it often feels like it possesses the guiding hand of its showrunner instead.

If this is the writers’ intent then I guess I can at least applaud them for trying. After all with incredibly impressive ratings The Walking Dead is certainly doing something right. Maybe at the end of the day being too dark or too authentic is the exact opposite of what audiences want to see. Like the shining silver light distracting a child, they just might be more interested in the very thing that almost always made me forgive.

“Ahhh there goes some zombies.”

Unfortunately, just having a weekly cameo from zombies on my television screen is no longer enough for me. I want good stories. I want great stories. And I want them now. No more excuses.

Until then, “The Misadventures of Sweaty McSweaterton and his Band of Inepts” is officially on notice.

What do James Brown, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Tokyo Raid, Michael Jackson, and the Temptations have in common?

None of these acts can hold a candle to some of the most amazing fictional singers and bands to ever grace the small and silver screens.

One could argue the cultural impact of Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash, but there’s no gray area in the lasting and historical impact of the following hit makers. Check it out.

15) Dueling Banjos (Deliverance)

This isn’t so much a band as it is a to-the-death test of musical will. Still it’s noteworthy because it’s iconic. And really, it’s the only thing you can take away from this movie and not be scarred for life.

14) Catwalk (Catwalk)

If you never got a chance to see this seminal piece of dramatic banding then you didn’t truly experience the 90′s. Featuring a young pre-Party of Five Neve Campbell who danced till she couldn’t dance no mo’, Catwalk the band and show is 100% awesome and awful at the same time.

If you ever happen to catch the pilot make sure you’re not drinking anything when Atlas (Christopher Lee Clements) does his testosterone-fueled dance number because you will immediately proceed to spew said drink all over whatever is right in front of you.

13) The California Dreams (California Dreams)

Mostly notable for resident hot latina Elena Costa (Diana Uribe), blonde croner Tiffani Smith (Kelly Packard before she was Baywatched) and the weekly machinations of the always scheming Sly Winkle (Michael Cade), the California Dreams hit the top of the charts in the mid-90′s with their song “California Dreams” on the show “California Dreams”.

Clearly this lack of originality wasn’t a deterrent to fortune and glory however as years later they would reunite on Jimmy Fallon’s Late Show once again proving that we’ve collectively enabled their oft stated goal of laying in the sun, until their dream was done. And it never will be if we have anything to say about it.

12) Bandroids (Bionic Six)

Prepare to have your world rocked at 1:00 after the opening titles of the second season episode “Music Power” in which the most amazing band of androids (oh wait I just got that) takes the stage and changes the face of music forever. I’m not sure if it’s the repetivive hook or the psuedo syth sounds but I do know one thing. This is MUSIC.

11) Jet Screamer (The Jetsons)

Singing the smash hit “Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah” this band is so ahead of its time that technically the song hasn’t even been released yet.

Cause it’s in the future and stuff.

Judy Jetson’s refined tastes aside (proving just like today that there will unfortunatly always be a place for boy bands), this song went #1 on Zeta Rigelas Prime as well as in the Outer Territories…if I’m not mistaken. An instant classic in the making as soon as it’s released in 2062. Wait. That’s only in 50 years? Between Justin Bieber and still no flying cars, we might be way behind schedule.

10) The Zit Remedy (Degrassi Jr High / Degrassi High)

Establishing a tradition of musical excellence that only an auto-tuned and/or wheelchair-bound Aubrey Drake Graham could manage to tarnish years in recent years, the stylings of Wheels, Snake, and Joey Jeramiah blazed a trail that Degrassi bands like Downtown Sasquatch, and Janie & The Studs were set to follow in an all new generation.

As far as I’m concerned, this legacy will spread to my children and my children’s children, in what has been heretofore termed forevermore a “Degrassi Dynasty.”

9) The Heights (The Heights)

How do you talk to an Angel? You raise your voice and demand she never turn her back on you when you’re talking to her. That’s how.

Alex O’Brien (aka not-Ray Pruit) brings his smooth suave voice into this early 90′s affair and shows this fledgling band the special ingrediant they’ve been missing all along. Soul.

8 ) The Pain (C.H.I.P.S.)

All the way from Hollyweird is the greatest fictional punk band of them all. They were so great that an entire episode of cutting edge story-telling was built up around them. By the end of the episode we learn a few things. Punk Rockers dig pain (it’s a feeling in their brain you see), and when push comes to shove, Punk Rockers cave in when there’s too much of it. Also we learn that Erik Estrada is good at EVERYTHING that he does.

7) Lambda Lambda Lambda (Revenge of the Nerds)

Tri-Lamb, otherwise known as the only group of fictional nerds that is actually funny rocked the show and our hearts in the Talent Show Spectacular. Likely to go down as one of the great live performances of all time (right up there with Jimmy Hendrix at Woodstock) we can see the beginnings of sounds that would go on to influence greats like Das Punk and Moby. Trailblazers? Yes. So amazing they manage to turned all of our pies into theirs, right from under your noses.

6) Skywalker and the Courtley Court (The Black Knight)

I hate this movie. But I do love this scene. I’ll just leave it at that.

5) Jem and the Holograms (Jem and the Holograms)

The only thing surprising about Jerrica Benton’s now defunct glam girl band is that it hasn’t resurfaced in a much overdue reunion Tour. Imagine a fresh out of rehab Aja still sporting her trademark blue hair, alongside Kimber who is more bitter than ever that her big sister gets all the press. Dear sweet Shana puts her successful talk show on hiatus for a year to once again strum the bass, and Raya quits her lucrative side gig as Ricky Martin’s beard to return to her first love, music. We all want to see it.

Hollywood, are you listening?

4) The Partridge Family (The Partridge Family)

This Golden Globe nominated show (chew on that for a moment) gave us one of the most consistent and legitimate chart toppers from this entire list. And in watching this video, it’s now painfully clear that Prince totally bit his style from Mrs. Partridge.

3) The Silver Platters (The Brady Bunch)

Greg and the gang typifies the American Idol Dream. They are a testament to the fact that all you need is hard work, talent and gumption to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and make it big. They even take their calling so serious that they go meta and create a fictional band within a band for Greg’s alter-ego Johnny Bravo.

One can only assume that even though they lost this particular competion, a record exec somewhere discovered them, resulting in their next incarnation as The Brady Kids where it appears they had no shortage of LSD, acid, and mushrooms to produce cartoonish visions of magical mynas birds and racist anthropormorphic panda bears.

2) Spinal Tap (This is Spinal Tap)

Insert “Turn it up to 11″ jokes here. In fact, insert a full paragraph of them just for good measure.

Hey look! Fran Drescher’s voice has always been annoying!

1) Ray Pruit (Beverly Hills, 90210)

Who could know that when he was singing “Hold On” during that magical moment on stage that he actually meant the hand rails of the now imfamous staircase at a Palm Springs hotel?

Ray Pruit is proof of two things. One, you’ve got to be at the top of your game to make this list not once but TWICE, but also that domestic violence is never to be made light of. EVER.

Honorable Mention:

Because I couldn’t resist.

1) Lassie (1994 version)

Rated G. Suitable for all ages. The Turner family — dad, stepmom, and 13-year-old Matt — relocate from the big city to the country to begin a new chapter of their lives in an unfamiliar environment. Matt feels lost in his new surroundings until a stray dog named (you guessed it) Lassie arrives to help bring the family together.

2) Yours, Mine and Ours

Rated PG. A 2005 remake of the 1968 classic that starred Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, and the story is basically the same: Widowed man with eight children meets widowed woman with 10 children. Eventually, all 18 kids learn to live as one big happy family, but not before driving their respective stepparents and each other to the brink of crazy.

3) A Summer to Remember

Not rated, originally made for TV, and suitable for all ages. Notable for realistically showing conflict between a deaf boy named Toby and his new stepfather. An orangutan named Casey helps Toby learn sign language and communicate his feelings to his family and the world. Hard to find, but you might locate a copy on DVD at your local library.

4) The Brady Bunch Movie

It’s your call. If you enjoyed the original 1970s TV show, then this movie will appeal to you and your children (Although they may find the clothing worn by the Brady brood a little strange.). The film makes no pretense of being anything but a truly silly homage to one of America’s most famous blended TV family sitcoms, second only perhaps to The Bernie Mac Show.

5) Are We Done Yet?

Rated PG. This sequel to Are We There Yet? stars Ice Cube as a stepdad trying to supervise the remodeling of a house to accommodate his pregnant wife’s teenage daughter and son. It’s a remake of the Cary Grant film Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, and throughout, Ice Cube is obviously enjoying contemporizing classic movie slapstick and screwball humor.

6) Tender Mercies

Rated PG. Robert Duvall plays a country singer recovering from alcoholism, seeking to rebuild his life. He remarries a woman who has a son, and makes an effort to reconnect with his daughter from his previous marriage. Country music and Christianity are crucial components to this complex and critically acclaimed film.

7) Juno

A surprisingly sweet yet unsentimental film starring Ellen Page as Juno, an independent and smart teenager confronting an unplanned pregnancy. Allison Janney’s portrayal of Juno’s emotionally supportive stepmother Bren is notably sympathetic. Juno definitely earns its PG-13 rating. It may not be appropriate for all families, but some parents and children will find it refreshing in its honesty.

Stepmom

Rated PG-13. Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon are both excellent in this film about a terminally ill mother who eventually comes to accept her ex-husband new wife. Although it received mixed reviews upon release, it struck a chord with audiences for the way it dealt frankly with the tricky issues surrounding new love, old families, and joint custody.

9) Step Brothers

Rated R. Ask adults to recommend a film about stepfamilies, and many will immediately name the recent, gross-out comedy Step Brothers. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly star as two spoiled, emotionally stunted best friends whose single parents decide to marry. Parents will find it either hiliarious or horrifying. Or both.

Check out more on Online Certificate Programs.

1) Convict 13: Buster Keaton’s double backward somersault

As this scene from the silent 1920 classic Convict 13 shows, Buster Keaton was one of the great physical comedians of our time. In this early scene, a single punch from a huge Bluto-like man dressed in convict stripes sends Keaton staggering and then somersaulting backwards twice the length of two rooms.

2) Rocky III: Mr. T knocks out Sylvester Stallone

Forget Rockys I, II, and IV, Rocky III (1982) is the one film even Stallone-haters can love. Rocky Balboa (played by Sylvester Stallone of course), a boxer drunk on fame and losing his edge, is knocked out in round two of an ill-advised match with James “Clubber” Lang. Lang’s slow motion punch and look of utter and complete sadism is a shot predestined for the rewind/replay button. And then there’s the film’s classic recurring song.

3) It’s a Wonderful Life: Jimmy Stewart prays for guidance and gets a sock in the jaw

You’ve seen this movie before, right? George Bailey (played by the great Jimmy Stewart) is on a downward spiral to financial ruin. Sitting at what is apparently the only bar in Bedford Falls, George says a desperate prayer asking for guidance as his world is crumbling around him. A few minutes later, the husband of a schoolteacher George angrily reprimanded hears his name, connects the dots, and punches George to the ground. The guardian angel-assisted transformation to a time where George Bailey never existed is evoked initially through a few simple filmic devices, including the sudden healing of George’s bloody fat lip. Sadly, they never filmed a scene where George punches out slumlord Henry F. Potter. However, when he was at Saturday Night Live, Dana Carvey did…

4) Blazing Saddles: Mongo knocks out a horse

Of course, it’s incredibly uncool to hurt an animal, but this is Mel Brooks, and in a Mel Brooks film, there are no sacred cows … or horses. In this famous scene from Brooks’ 1974 satirical Western Blazing Saddles, the somewhat slow, scarily strong Mongo either swings and fails to connect or just really doesn’t like horses.

5) 48 Hours: Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy beat the crap out of each other

You might not even recognize boozy but handsome Nolte or a very young Murphy in director Walter Hill’s 1982 anti-buddy crime and comedy film. Nolte plays cop Jack Cates who gives a weekend pass to Murphy’s convict Reggie Hammond so that they can team up track down a pair of vicious killers from Reggie’s past who have escaped from prison. Both Cates and Hammond lack a degree of interpersonal skills and decide to address their differences in the only way two macho bruisers would know how: by having an extended fistfight. Cates’ final sucker punch to Hammond, delivered with a believable degree of exhaustion and after taking a hit out of a flask, is hilarious. But in the real world, these two would have each ended up with permanent brain damage.

6) Kill Bill: Volume 2: Uma Thurman punches her way out of a coffin

Under the cruel tutelage of Master Pai Mei, the assassin known as “The Bride” (Thurman) is instructed to repeatedly attempt, from just a foot away, to punch a hole in a piece of wood. Try after bloody try, she is still unable to deliver the killer blow. However, when she really, REALLY needs to punch a hole through solid wood — for instance, after being buried alive in a coffin in a shallow grave — she indeed finds her Chi and gets the job done.

7) Barfly: Frank Stallone clobbers Mickey Rourke

Loosely based on the life of writer and poet Charles Bukowski (who wrote the screenplay), the 1987 film Barfly opens with a thoroughly drunk Henry Chinaski (played by pre-plastic surgery Mickey Rourke) getting the snot beat out of him in an alley by his nemesis, a bartender named Eddie (played by Sylvester Stallone’s younger brother Frank). Henry’s reply to Eddie when asked if he’s ready to give up is poetic as it is profane: “Giving in to you would be like swallowing piss for eternity!” Later on, they really go at it:

8) Popeye vs Bluto

And you thought cartoons today were violent? Check out the classic cartoon “Let’s You and Him Fight.” Everyone, even farm animals, gets punched in this slugfest. In the climatic boxing match, Popeye takes a serious beating until 4:44 when Olive Oil arrives with a much-needed can of spinach.

9) Jackie Chan five-finger crotch-level death punch

If you like comedy with your martial arts, then nobody does it better than Jackie Chan. Please, please, PLEASE don’t try this at home…

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10) Batman punches the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin and saves Catwoman’s cat

Urrk! Swooosh! Ouch! Batman circa 1966 ain’t nothing like The Dark Night. In this extended fight from the creatively titled Batman: The Movie, Adam West wipes the proverbial floor with most of the freaky villains of the franchise that refuses to die. In the end, however, the incredibly sexy Catwoman serves Batman his comeuppance. “Bon voyage, pussy,” indeed!

Check out more cool blogs and reviews at Zen College Life.

Millennium, say wha?

Finding myself in a bit of an eschatological mood in anticipation of the impending Pox-Eclipse I was reminded of one of the oddest yet interesting moments I’ve experienced watching television.

The episode “The Time Is Now” from Fox’s late-90′s pseudo X-Files spin-off series Millennium was a game-changer for a show that had begun to spiral into a black hole of rote plot points and uninspired mediocrity after a promising first season.

This, from the Season 2 finale, along with the big reveal in the final moments of the episode, shook up audience expectations with one healthy dose of mushrooms, acid, and whatever else is your drug of choice.

According to website Millennium-This Is Who We Are, the scene depicts a character, Lara Means, as she “slips into insanity after failing to come to terms with the knowledge revealed to her by the Millennium Group.”

What’s fascinating about the sequence is that they made the choice to play the song (from Patti Smith’s “Horses“) in its entirety, for the entire 10 minute segment of the show. For good or ill, I haven’t seen it done before this nor have I seen it done since. (Donna Lewis’ epic performance of “Without Love” and “I Love You Always Forever” at the Peach Pit After Dark notwithstanding.)

Interesting, risk taking, ground-breaking…it’s certainly all these things. Even so, I just remember thinking “What the hell just happened?”

What do you think? Let us know in the comments.

I did a write up of the upcoming game “Doctor Who: Worlds in Time” over at Yahoo! Games and had a blast checking out the new online world of the Doctor.  I invite you to go on over and check it out and see what all the fun is for yourselves.

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